How much shadow do we carry within us?
Buried beneath layers of fear, anxiety, and chaos, hidden somewhere deep inside.
Sometimes it hides from us, and sometimes we hide from it.
I think there is more than one shadow.
There certainly is within me.
I began uncovering mine some time ago,
when I realised that in order to move forward,
I also had to get to know this part of myself… the less comfortable one.
Because no one judges us more harshly than we judge ourselves.
My inner critic, although I have been working with it for years, can still take the wheel from me.
Towards the end of my corporate career, I was so exhausted with myself
that it irritated me when someone said, “It is only a job. It is not the most important thing.”
And I would insist that this was not how things should be done.
That work was the most important thing in the world.
That you had to give one hundred per cent — because of the money, the responsibility… because that was simply what you were supposed to do.
But the truth was different.
I was irritated because I wanted that too — to know how to let go.
I just could not do it. I was burning out.
I reached a point where the mere sight of the car park made my stomach hurt.
After that, it only became worse.
I did not leave in time.
My body had to say, “Enough.”
My emotions had to give in.
And the fear of being judged… of not being enough, not being right, not being good enough, paralysed me for years.
Only when I understood that I was judging others for doing what I secretly wished I could do myself, did I realise that this was my shadow.
The hidden part. The part afraid to show itself because it fears being judged.
So today, I am gathering myself piece by piece.
Learning to make peace with this shadow.
Learning not to wear myself down.
Learning to gather myself back together, little by little, each day, all over again.