I don’t know whether this is survival.
Or being frozen in place.
Or perhaps a process unfolding exactly as it is meant to.
This is what my reality looks like today:
everything that matters most for my future
depends on one thing…
something I have no control over.
That moment when you have already done everything you could.
Everything within your power has been done.
And now… once again, you enter the stage
where the only thing left to do is wait.
In life’s waiting room.
And trust that you will eventually arrive where you are meant to go.
The hardest moment.
And although I am going through it for the second time,
the first time was much easier…
because I still had a plan B.
Until April.
A financial plan. A practical one.
The last one I knew how to create.
And now I can see it coming to an end…
and I no longer have a plan C.
Because one foot was already in that “after.”
Not in anything certain.
There are still so many unknowns ahead.
But there were at least a few starting points.
Some sense of direction.
For a long time, I searched for a name for the place I am in.
Frozen. Suspended.
And someone suggested: a waiting room.
It immediately felt right.
Life’s waiting room.
Like sitting in a doctor’s office years ago – you arrived on time, you have your number…
but there is still no certainty that you will be seen today.
More than once, you left with nothing.
And I no longer even know what I feel.
Is it still calm…
or is it only fear now?
As though everything has stopped.
I never imagined how much selling this house would cost me.
How deeply I would be tested.
Trust. Patience. Faith.
And right beside them: fear, pain, a black hole.
All of it at once.
And perhaps for the first time, I am not trying to put it all in order.
I do not know what comes next.
And maybe that is exactly what this moment is asking of me.
Not to know.
To simply move through it.
As close to myself as I can.
With everything that comes.
Trust. Fear. Falling and rising again.
And perhaps most of all,
with the determination not to lose myself in any of it.
Because something within me still knows…
that where I am going, there will be peace.