“You cannot build your happiness on someone else’s pain.”
Over the weekend, I was looking for something to watch on Netflix when Tonight You’re Sleeping with Me appeared.
Although I vaguely remembered having seen it before, something made me press play.
From the very first scenes, familiar patterns and beliefs began rising to the surface.
I tried to remember whether I had felt the same way the first time I watched it. Probably not.
And although the film does not mirror my situation exactly, there were moments when I felt as though I were looking into a mirror.
I kept pausing it.
Reflecting.
Taking notes.
I remember one of my first conversations with a career advisor. He asked me what I truly wanted to achieve.
I answered:
I want to be independent. Free from patterns, beliefs, and stereotypes.
He seemed surprised because the word “financially” did not immediately follow “independent.”
Of course, financial independence was on my list too. But what I remember most clearly is the feeling I had in that moment.
I knew I would not be able to move forward unless I freed myself from everything that had been programmed into me.
And today I understand that most of it lies so deeply beneath the surface that we often do not realise how much of our lives we live on autopilot, disconnected from who we truly are.
One scene stopped me in my tracks.
Although I recommend the entire film, this was the one that affected me most: a conversation between a mother and her daughter.
I thought:
This is so familiar. So Polish. So real.
And it frightened me, because today I am the mother of two adult daughters.
Thankfully, I now have a different level of awareness. But I also know that it was not always this way.
Whether I meant to or not, I brought many of the things I had inherited into my own home.
I do not want to describe the entire film or even the whole scene here.
But there is a moment when the mother says to her daughter:
“You cannot build your happiness on someone else’s pain.”
God… I carried that belief so deeply within me.
So absolutely.
So black and white.
And for the first time, I saw how inappropriate that sentence was in that situation – and in so many others like it.
How often we misuse sayings like this without knowing someone’s story.
How deeply we were taught that a woman should stay, even when she is unhappy.
Because that is what she is supposed to do.
Without even allowing herself to consider that life could be different.
This film made me realise how grateful I am today.
Grateful that one day, something awakened within me – a desire to be free.
Free from patterns.
Free from beliefs.
Free from a life ruled by “this is what you must do.”
I do not think I understood then what a beautiful intention that was.
Or how worthwhile it would be to keep following it through all these years.
It has not been an easy journey.
I do not know whether we can ever become completely free from everything that has been programmed into us.
But today I know that we can reach those hidden places, become aware of them, and consciously replace the old programming with something new.
This is dedicated to every woman who is still living within someone else’s patterns, beliefs, and expectations…